Once upon a time there lived in the village of (cycling-link: bind $village, "Chicago", "Malibu", "Austin", "Nashville") a very average looking boy whose real name is unimportant to our story, but it was probably Chad or Brad or Mike or something. But the townspeople referred to him as Star Gazer because when he walked around the city streets, he was often seen looking towards the sky.
[[I supppose this is the point when I describe his appearance.]]Star Gazer was exactly [[the type]] to get away with admonishable behavior.
Star Gazer was exactly [[description]] to get away with admonishable behavior.
He had white skin, blue eyes, and hair that curled all over his head.
But he was a //nice guy,// so no need to worry about him. [[Right?]]I guess we'll find out.
[[Onward!]]If you hadn't already guessed by now, Star Gazer holds quite a bit of privilege. It shows in particular when he [observes those around him.]<action1|
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As Star Gazer walks around his city, he notices that the people around him are pretty ugly. They have sun-damaged, wrinkly skin, dirty mud-ridden hands and wear worn out boots as they climb onto public transport. He's heard that somewhere in the world, there are girls whose skin is perfectly tanned and whose hands are always manicured, as they have clearly never had to work a day in their lives. They were princesses, obviously.
As he gazed up at the stars, he dreamed that his very average appearance coupled with his manly privilege would allow him the happiness to marry a princess.
[[After all, hasn't he earned it?]]]One day, Star Gazer opened his astrology app. It read: (font: "Helvetica") [(cycling-link: bind $astrology,"Today's moon transit is asking you to be brave, yet patient in the face of conflict.", "You're feeling especially intense and passionate today. Use that nerve to try something new.", "It can be hard to unclench your jaw when you're exhausted. You're not a bad person for wanting change.", "Moderate your fearlessness before it becomes arrogance. Listen to your heart before acting.")]
This was it. This was his sign to go after his destiny. Star Gazer packed up his things and headed out to [[find his princess.]]It was well known for many miles round that there lived in the castle of NYC twelve princesses of wonderful beauty, as proud as they were beautiful, and who were besides so very sensitive and of such truly royal blood. [They slept on the finest sheets and could spot a fake Louis bag from a mile away.]<spot|
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The local gossip had differing opinions over the lives of the princesses. Some said the girls ought to [[sleep far into the morning, and never get up till mid-day]] while others thought they should [[rise at an appropriate time to volunteer in the community]].] You think the princesses, because of their random luck being born into a royal family, should probably just get to enjoy their sleep. Why should they have to associate with those less fortunate in the other boroughs?
[[Onward we go!]]You feel like it might be nice if the princesses use their time and money to help other people. Sort of a modern Robinhood situation. But that's not this fairytale.
[[Onward we go!]]They had twelve beds all in the same room, but what was very extraordinary was the fact that though they were locked in by triple bolts, every morning their satin shoes were found worn into holes. [How could the shoes be worn out if the princesses have never been seen out and about?]<quest|
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Apparently the Duke of NYC was tired of having twelve happily single, independent daughters and so invited the public to [discover how his daughter wore out their shoes.]<discovery1|
(click-replace: ?discovery1)[spy on his daughters and invade their privacy.]
Whoever was successful should choose one of them for his wife.
[[Sounds like a job for the Star Gazer.]]]When he reached the castle, Star Gazer saw a vast [[garden.]]
Star Gazer walks towards the garden and sees a maze.
"Aha! I love opportunities to publicly display the capacities of my incredibly large brain. I must enter this maze," Star Gazer declares.
[[Onward to the maze!]]At the entrance to the maze, Star Gazer pauses. Should he go [[left]] or [[right]]?Hmm, appears Star Gazer has run into a wall of foliage. Better turn around and go to the [[right]]!Star Gazer walks forward, observing the soaring heights of the foliage around him.
["I //cannot wait// to be part of a family that deems spending money on garden games so essential. These must be my kind of people," Star Gazer reflects.](reflect|
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[Hmm. Does [[that leaf]] look familiar?](realization|
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]}At the door, Star Gazer employs his incredible, unrivaled wit and charm to convince the groundskeeper to let him through the castle doors.
[[Easy enough?]]Star Gazer wanders down the hallway until he comes to a closed door.
No one questions the very average looking blond boy. Why should they? After all, the princesses' own father practically begged young men to come observe his daughters.
Star Gazer must make a decision: Should he [[enter the princesses' room and invade their privacy]]? Or should he [[ask for their permission to enter]]?Star Gazer dives behind (cycling-link: bind $hiding, "the armoire", "a slightly larger-than-life-size cutout of Harry Styles", "a chest of drawers", "a giant heap of athleisure").
From his hiding spot, Star Gazer [could hear everything the princesses said as they got dressed in gorgeous gowns.]<phrase1|
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Although he could hear every word, if asked to repeat what the princesses had said, Star Gazer probably wouldn't be able to. You see, he had a habit of listening to //respond,// instead of listening to //understand.// Besides, a group of girls talking were probably gossiping anyway.]
[After a few hours, Star Gazer hears one of the princesses.
"Sisters, it's time," she declared. "Yay," replied the other eleven in chorus.
[[Star Gazer peers out from his hiding spot.]]](hear|
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]}Star Gazer walks through the doors and realizes he actually has no idea how to get to the princesses. [If the king really wanted his daughters married off so badly, you'd think he might put out a sign or two.]<sign|
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"Guess it's time to employ my unparalleled sense of direction because we know how well that maze went."
Star Gazer heads towards the [[stairs.]]]At the top of the stairs, Star Gazer hears voices coming from down the hall.
But there's a mirror on the wall and it's been so long since he was captivated by his own perfectly average gaze.
Should he [[go look?]] Or [[follow the voices?]]Ah yes, the male gaze. Star Gazer never gets tired of that reflection. How perfectly non-descript. How forgettable. "Try picking //that// face out of a crowd," he thinks to himself with pride.
[After filming a few TikToks, Star Gazer remembers he has some princesses to accost.
[[Better get going!]]](tiktok|
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]}Was that laughter he heard? He must admit it sounded like the peal of church bells on the first day of spring. Melodic. Refined.
Star Gazer quickens his stride. [[Follow the laughter!]] Back at the top of the stairs, Star Gazer listens once more for voices.
As fairytales would have it, he hears a perfectly timed peal of laughter coming from down the hallway. And not one of those obnoxious laughs either; this was a delicate, refined giggle.
No time to waste! [[Follow the laughter!]]Male voyeurism in the pursuit of marriage sure sounds like a fairytale!
[[Into the bed chamber!]]HA! You thought women would have autonomous rights in a fairy tale? Valient effort, but alas apparently they do not. Star Gazer will enter the room anyway. Afterall, doesn't he //deserve// to?
[[Into the bed chamber!]] The eldest Princess clapped her hands three times and a trap door opened. All the princesses disappear down a secret staircase.
[[Should Star Gazer follow them?]]*Duh!* That's, like, the whole point of this mission.
[[Down the secret stairs we go!]]As he rushed down the steps, Star Gazer carelessly steps on the dress of the youngest princess. According to his Instagram sleuthing, her name was Lina. He wasn't actually sure how old she was, but it's not creepy because Star Gazer is //not// that kind of guy.
"Someone's behind me," cried Lina, "they stepped on my dress."
"You are //so// melodramatic Lina," the oldest sister replied. "Who would be following a group of young women to their bedroom?"
[[Well, our hero of course.]]At the bottom of the stairs, the princesses walked through another door and into a beautiful wood. Here, the leaves were spangled with drops of silver. [In the next wood, the leaves were sprinkled with gold and after that, the leaves were glittered with diamonds.]<leaves|
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"What a perfect use of disposable income," Star Gazer thought to himself. "I suppose money really does grow on trees."
At last, the group reached a large lake, within which sat twelve little boats. In each boat, there sat a prince awaiting each princess. Sort of like Uber but these princes were [[repaying a debt.]]]The young men were the princes who, to the number of fifty at least, had tried to discover the princesses' secret. When they were caught, the princesses had made them drink a love potion which froze the heart and left nothing but the love of dancing.
But that wouldn't happen to Star Gazer. Star Gazer was the most average of them all and was sure to succceed. Surely.
As each princess entered on of the boats, Star Gazer [[slipped into the boat with Lina.]]Princess Lina noticed that they didn't seem to be moving as quickly as usual. She would've spoken up but what would the Prince do? Believe her? Based off just her word? That does //not// sound like a fairytale.
She kept her mouth closed until [[they reached the other side of the lake.]] The royal crew walked towards the castle that dominated the little island.
Star Gazer followed. Inside the castle, the most beautiful music filled the space and Star Gazer was overwhelmed by the scene of the ball.
But it's not really cool to let other people know that you think something's cool so Star Gazer [[kept it chill.]] From the corner of the room, Star Gazer watched as the pairs danced until the princesses' shoes were worn into holes.
As the royals got back into their boats, Star Gazer joined the boat of the eldest sister.
She too felt like there was something a bit off about the boat's weight but, again, who would believe her? Would the literal strange boy on the back of the boat be enough to convince anyone she was telling the truth? Doubtful.
When the boats reached shore, Star Gazer managed to slip in front and [[disappear into the castle.]] The next day, Star Gazer made himself scarce until it was time for the princesses to return to the secret castle.
Again, Star Gazer followed but, despite their suspicions of being followed, none of the princesses mentioned it.
Instead, Princess Lina decides to [[investigate]] herself once she and her sisters return from the ball.Once all her sisters have fallen asleep, Lina sneaks out from their room and creeps down the corridor.
She doesn't make it very far before she sees a figure standing in front of a mirror.
Lina hesitates. Should she [[call out for help?]] Or [[confront the figure herself?]]As Lina opens her mouth, the figure shifts, angling itself in her direction.
She makes to head back to her room but before she can, the figure starts walking towards her.
Lina looks up and illuminated in the moonlight glow she sees... the most average looking boy she'd ever seen. [[Like ever.]] Girl power, I guess?
Lina marches down the hallway and stops just short of the figure. Was he just...staring at himself?
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["Is he a //narcissist//?" Lina thought to herself. [["Because that would be perfect."]]](thoughts|A plan was beginning to form in Lina's mind.
This random intruder was so self-absorbed that he didn't even notice her standing there. [Perfect husband material!]<plan|
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Lina knew her father had been talking of marrying off her and her sisters, which would mean the end of their dancing days—er, nights. But if her husband were this oblivious, maybe she could sneak out once in a while to [[continue the tradition...]]]Lina found her voice. "Have you been following me and my sisters?"
["Um, duh," replied the boy.](response|
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["How did no one else see you?"](response2|
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["Well, you see, when you look perfectly average like me, no one really questions your presence in any space. I can basically go wherever I please. I've heard it's called, oh what's the word...oh yes, privilege."](response3|
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["Oh, //I// have some of that too. Mine comes in the form of inherited wealth," Lina responds. "But that doesn't mean you should be able to spy on us like that."](response4|
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[Lina has to make a decision: should she [[consult her sisters]] about what to do? Or [[strike a deal of her own]]?](end|
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]}Lina decides to consult her sisters about what to do with the intruder.
She grabs his arm and [[leads him back to their room.]]"Fine," Lina said. "You know our secret; keep it! I'll pay you handsomely for your discretion."
["Oh that won't work," replied Star Gazer. "I actually only accept payment in social capital."](talk|
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[Lina thought for a few moments.](talk2|
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[Maybe there was a way she and her sisters could still [[continue the tradition...]] all while keeping their father at bay.](talk3|
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When Lina tells her sisters what Star Gazer has been up to, the sisters decide that they should enact their own comeupance.
Should the princesses [[send him to the dungeon]] or [[organize a smear campaign on social media]]?Nice choice. Classic fairytale move. Timeless and effective.
We could venture on to the dungeon, but that carceral stuff would be a //huge// downer.
[[So for now...]]Yes! Cancel him!
Soon the princesses' loyal Twitter followers had #StarGazerIsOverParty trending. Because Star Gazer derives so much of his own self worth from the approval of others, this was quite the devastating blow.
Someone tweeted that he should try some therapy. They mentioned it can be like magic. Star Gazer thought he might give it a try.
[[So for now...]] This is where our story ends.
And they lived (sort of?) happily ever after.It didn't take much to convince Star Gazer to marry the princess. A little flattery and the offer of subjects to rule over sealed the deal.
Princess Lina continued to dance with her sisters years into the future and her father was none the wiser.
[[So for now...]] [[The Twelve Dancing Princesses (and that Other Guy)]]
Vivian Boe
Star Gazer eventually reaches the exit. He struts out, expecting to be greeted with adoration and praise. But no one is there.
["Well what a waste of my invaluable time," Star Gazer says. "Everyone knows it's not really an accomplishment if no one saw me do it. Public acknowledgment of my averageness is my love language. I must get to the princesses soon. If I don't hear how perfectly average looking I am as soon as possible, I //will// take it out on an innocent bystander."](reflect|
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[[Better get to the castle!]]